It's a Dog's Life by Toffee Parker

Author:Toffee Parker
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780727892140
Publisher: Severn House Publishers
Published: 2015-10-19T00:00:00+00:00

How I Became a Celebrity

I don’t like to boast but I have to admit I am a bit of a celebrity. In Richard Kay’s column in the Daily Mail I was described as ‘Toffee, who rarely has a dull moment’. This was when U-M broke her hip and I climbed on her chest to see if she was still alive, a gesture I don’t think she fully appreciated at the time. This happened nine days before we were due to stay with Millie on the Isle of Wight. I went ahead to be with them and was looked after by Baba, and U-M managed to make it on Christmas Eve, with the help of Buffy who drove her down. Afterwards she said it was the best Christmas she’d ever had. That I think was due to the bottle of morphine the hospital gave her, laced, as you do, with champagne!

On another occasion The Mail on Sunday showed a very nice photograph of me sitting on U-M’s lap. I’m looking very cool and collected and really rather pretty. Sadly I can’t say the same about her, but she had been put through a bit of an ordeal.

The previous evening we’d made the mistake of going out for our last walk at ten o’clock, which we did every night. It was a balmy September evening and the moon shone down on us, rivalling the brightness of the streetlamps. A gentle breeze ruffled my coat and U-M and I were in a very happy mood. Fifteen minutes later we arrived home again, climbing the front steps and unlocking the door. Once in the hall she turned to shut it, but there was a loud thump and the door wouldn’t shut because a masked man with a baseball cap pulled well down was pushing his way into the house. He shoved U-M roughly up against the wall and started beating her up. I must say she put up a fight, hitting him back and yelling ‘Get out! Get out!’ But then he slammed his white cotton glove over her mouth and at that moment a second man bounded into the hall, also masked, gloved and wearing a cap.

I’m told I did the sensible thing by remaining silent, although I do bark like mad at everyone else when they arrive, be they friend or foe. Instinct told me these two robbers meant business. The police said they’d have killed me with one blow to the head if I’d made a noise to attract attention. They’d silenced U-M but her eyes were blazing with anger.

‘We want your jewellery,’ the first man said as he ripped the rings off her left hand. Then he dragged her up the stairs to the bedroom. The other man grabbed my lead and, tying me to the banister rail in the hall, went upstairs also.

‘Where’s your jewellery?’ the first one was still shouting.

‘In the drawer over there,’ U-M replied, icily calm. I could hear the second man ransacking the other rooms. This went on for a while and I wondered what was going to happen next.

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